Monday evening in the hospital.
Was another perfectly planned day.
I had told the Mr the night before our Monday itinerary.
I was excited as usual for the day- dr apt in mesa, phelps family slip in slide, slumber party at my parents followed by an early morning trip to the temple with my mr.
And I could tell from the way Monday started out- it was going to be good.
We sent our dad to work with a plate of eggs in his hand.
I drank a green smoothie.
ellie ate some cheerios of course. What else.
Elles and I went on a bike ride, picked up the mail on the way home.
I packed for our sleep over in Mesa.
Packed three different bags.
Didn't want to forget anything.
Put make-up and did my hair.
That is a miracle in itself.
Put Ellie in her car seat- with some books and a bag of more cheerios.
Ran back in the house to get our sunday clothes.
Ran back in the house one last time to take out the trash and turn up the AC.
We weren't going to be home for 24 hours.
The drive to Mesa was the best yet.
Sometimes Elles gets restless.
Not this morning.
She was giggling and reading to herself.
I remember looking at her several times in the rear view mirror.
Thanking Him that she came to us.
That happens often when I am driving- I get a chance to really look at her.
We arrived at my parents at 1045 am.
Texted Amy to drop crew off to play with us for an hour.
She had a dr apt and said next time.
So Ellie and I played.
We ran around the trampoline.
Strung toys throughout my mom's house.
Played dominos downstairs.
Fed her a sweet potato and green peas for lunch.
She ate all of it. I was happy and pleased.
Our day was flowing along nicely.
I grabbed her binki and blanket and put her down for a nap.
She was tired, and worn out- went right to sleep.
I got out my binder and started busting out our medical bills.
My husband didn't know when he married me- that I would be so costly.
Lots of hospital ER visits and surgeries for those blasted kidney stones.
I was down to the last two bills.
I even started writing out a new budget that we could use.
Called the mr and asked if he could swing by my parents for about 45 min while I ran to the dr apt.
He was marketing and said he would be there at 1:45.
He came right on time.
Ran into my mom's room and grabbed some of her gold jewelry.
Slid on some gold bangles and a gold neck lace.
I love that my mom has good taste.
I wanted to look cute- to take a picture of my pregnant belly.
Came downstairs to kiss the Mr good-bye.
Left the house with my cell phone and wallet.
Knew I would be right back.
Right before my Ellie girl awoke.
At the Doctor's office.
Signed myself in.
Said my hellos.
I am a regular there.
After having Ellie they said I could go see a regular OB.
I weighed the option then decided I liked the regular ultrasounds and wanted to watch this pregnancy closely too.
Because I knew everything was going to be just fine- I stretched my ultra sound apts out as far as I could.
They wouldn't let me go more than 4 weeks, and I was okay with that.
Sitting down, waiting for them to call my name I watched a video from a cute blog I have been loving lately. funcheaporfree.com
I went back a few minutes later, got weighed and laid down on the table to check baby's heart tones.
The medical assistant was having difficulty.
She couldn't find a heart beat.
I started to get worried, and reminded myself how sure I was about this pregnancy.
That everything was going to be just fine.
I had just boughten all her diapers last week.
Got her clothes out to be washed.
We were ready.
A second MA came into the room.
She as well, was having trouble.
My heart started to race.
This cannot be happening.
Of course you can find her heart beat.
I was just in your office 8 days ago, and saw her perfect body move rapidly around on your monitor.
She was growing, and healthy.
She sat me up, and said I needed to call someone.
I quickly called Ty and had a hard time talking.
They rushed me into the ultra sound room.
Still on the phone with Ty- I told him to come quickly.
I laid down and looked up at the ultra sound tech who had done multiple growth checks on this baby.
I laid down for no more than 5 seconds before she said, "No."
She started to cry and turned away.
In a sheer cry and rather painful yell.. I cried out, "What happened?"
A doctor and nurse came in and just sat there as I wept.
What could have possibly happened from the 8 days prior til today?
A flood of guilt immediately swept over me.
Because her body was growing so perfectly I began to think of anything I could have done different to change the outcome of where I was now at.
What if I would have done this, or that (repeated over and over in my mind).
Would I still be able to see her vital body and hear her heart race rapidly.
Tyson came into the room and we both cried bitterly.
Holding each other.
Telling each other repeatdly how sorry we were, how much we loved each other.
The doctor said, we could go right over to Banner Desert.
But this is not the plan.
I was supposed to go home to Ellie.
Attend the Phelps Family Slip N Slide.
She was going to love it.
Instead we drove to Banner Desert where they walked us into a room with no windows.
I asked for a room with lots of windows.
They said it was right next door to a delivery room and I would hear babies crying.
I didn't care.
I needed to have light.
Lots of it.
I also asked them to take away all the bereavement stuff.
I had all the books and phamplets and did not want to even look at that stuff right now.
They started the induction right away.
But because I had not effaced or dilated at all before being admitted-
the process was painfully slow.
I had a long time to sit.
I cried a lot.
Could not sleep-
unless the Mr was right next to me in the hospital bed.
11:31 am, Tuesday morning.
Truly Ann Huggans was born.
She was perfect.
Before we left the hosptial that day-
they brought her body into us...
for one last time.
That is a hard thing as a parent.
knowing you will not see her again-
until this earthly life is over.
She was cuter and cuter the more we stared at her.
She had those red lips that all our girls have had.
She looked liked ellie to us.
She had dark hair.
And a squished nose from the delivery.
Her fingers and toes were long-
just like mine.
We drove home to my parents where we hugged and kissed on ellie.
put her to sleep and tried to sleep ourselves.
The next few nights were hard.
When they became too hard- I would wake the Mr
He would comfort and soothe me.
Wrap his arm around me and let me cry.
But I would realize no matter how hard he tried-
there is only one who can truly mend a broken heart.
And allow peace- even joy amidst trial and dispair.
That person is our Savior.
Those nights- I sneak out of bed and go into the closet.
Vocally plead to my Heavenly Father.
Images of His Son come into my mind.
Pictures I recognized and saw often when growing up.
One was a picture of Him in Gethsemane.
He too was pleading to our Father.
He too had a heavy heart.
And it is because of His suffering-
I can be assured it will get better.
My heart will heal.
My desire to so badly have her here-
will someday be made right.
I remember a few months ago-
praying for greater understanding of the Atonement.
He answered my prayer.
And will continue to do so.
Truly was a way for me, for us to come to know Him.
And hopefully become a little more like Him.
We miss her.
Just like her sister Ruby.
We cannot wait to hold her, love her, kiss her and just be with her.
When I see Ellie playing out back in the water,
I will yearn for her two sisters to be here.
Playing with her.
Until that day-
we will hold tight to what we know is true..
Families Are Forever.
We can be together again.